PLAIN JANE

i cried . i dont know why but this kind of thing-friendship is really a sensitive matter for me . i dont like it when i have a fight with my friends or if my friend is mad at me . i will be super sad and i feel like i wasn't good enough . i mean , why are you even mad at me ? where did i go wrong ? did i hurt you woth my bad words ? did i give you no food ? i didnt . but why are you ignoring me ? why are you doing this to me ? you treat me as if i have no feelings at all . i know i am a bad person ad that you are an angel compared to me but let me remind you that i am still a human afterall . i do have feelings  . so what makes you think you have the right to treat me less than a human ? i am sorry if i ever hurt you . why must you talk about me as if i am a devil . yes , i sin a lot . i admit that . but i, myself , do have an intention to be better . and the fact thet everybody backs you up and take on your side , really hurts me alot . i know i am still considered as a newcomer

one thing that i have learned in life is , never love too much . because a person is never guaranteed to stay forever in your life . forever just... never lasts forever . i always remind myself that i deserved to be happy even when others tell me the opposite . i can be happy even the world turns upside down because being happy is your own choice . you do not let other people make choice for you , you do it yourself . and i know that it is okay to be sad , but it is not okay when i am stuck in that same pain and not moving on . it is unhealthy and will turn my soul black . i learn to say no even if it kills my heart but i would do anything it takes just to make myself feel glad about myself . the way i look , the way my flaws are all over me , the way others talk back about me , i just... dont care anymore . i just want to live my life . even though i will ended up being alone and everyone turn their back against me , i will keep moving forward . someday , a person will come into

actually there's a lot of things i want to talk about . i feel like the burden inside me is kept in the deepest part of me and it just simply grows . i feel sad but i dont know how to express it out . i feel like the heartache is eating my soul . i am not sad because i am lonely , i am fine being alone . i am actually happy that i have finally moved on from him . him who has left a big impact to me . actually i have to thank you that you have taught me some lesson of life . thank you . i am no longer feel mad or angry at you . the anger and hatred has disappear already . i feel nothing , the special feelings are not there anymore when i saw you . not like that i have liked somebody else , but its just that i have realized that we are... not meant to be together . and i am completely fine with it . and i am happy for you when you have someone else . i hope you are doing fine and i hope you treat her with the love she deserves and always appreciate the littlest things . i hope

i miss writing . i miss the sound on my laptop's keyboard . i just miss the feelings when writing something that is truly from the deepest part of your heart . there's a lot of things that i want to write out . about friends , life , studies and... love . I am always that one friend who is heartless . you know what , i just do not care if i dont have friends or that my friends walk away from me . Its just... normal cycle of life for me . i will also walk away and move on and start all over again . i do not need friends to tell about my heartaches that seems to have no end . i can keep it all to myself . i can keep it . i am a lone ranger form the very beginning . i can live alone because i am an introvert . how about love ? well , the situation is same to having friends . i just do not care . i can live alone . and plus , boys are stupid . they are immature . i hate being in a relationship because all it ever did is just destroy me and gave me headache . i cant be with a pe