PLAIN JANE

Well , it has been a long time since the last post and to be honest , there are a lot of new things that happened recently . it all happened in a blink of eye and me i myself still cant wrap my head around it . well , to start begin with , i have moved to India . it has been three months now and i can say that im doing good . My father got transferred here as the USM KLE dean so me and my mother flew all the way here from Malaysia ever since .  When I first got here , i swear i got really homesick and cant help but to count the days until we fly back home . Of course , there is no better place than home . It felt kinda weird to say that this new place is my home now . Don't get me wrong , Belgaum (the place where we're staying) is nice . The people here is also nice . And i befriended with some of the malaysian students here . It helped with my homesickness . The third year sisters are so nice to me they treated me like their little sister and friend and i am forever gra...

having to finally realized that i have made a stupid decision by letting you go is painful . i let you go for i thought he is the one . but apparantly , he is not . eventhough i am fully aware that if i come back to you , asking for another chance , you will take me back , in a heartbeat . because that is just how you are . you love me , after all this while . i cant . i cant be asking for another chance . i dont deserve you . i have hurt you , said too many terrible things to you . and still , you are there . waiting , hoping for me . you are there even after i said that i love somebody else . you are there , not pushing me to love you back . but you prayed for me to be happy even if its not with you . and i guess i was stupid for asking you to move on .  its not about the person i want , its about the person who is willing to be with me no matter how bad i am . and its you . you were there even how bad i was . i dont deserve you . i keep on hurting you . i dont deserve another...

what a beautiful date today is . the feeling of being rejected by you is ..... unexplainable . it hurts . but somehow , i survived the heartbreak . aku tak paksa kau terima aku . aku tak paksa kau bagi peluang kat aku . i just want you to hear me out . and i want you to stop avoiding me . thats all . you rejected me because you said that i was too good for you and that you dont deserve me and that i deserve better . look , that is the stupidest reason i have ever heard , no joke . why can't you be better for me ? fight for me and just stop ignoring me ? i think that was not the reason . i think that you dont want me at all . and you said all of those things just because you dont want to hurt my feelings . i dont know man... i missed you . i missed you alot . i pray to Allah if you were not meant for me then bring you away from me . and then here i am , typing in a different country . is this it ? i missed you . and i am slowly letting go . i am slowly moving just like you aske...

you stopped eventually . and i am not prepared . i thought you will like me forever . but haha lol at me , forever just does not last forever right ? i totally forgot . there's no forever in real life . i like you . i was about to tell you that i like you too . that i want you too . that i would love to go further . but i guess , its true that people gets tired of sad person . i am a sad , messed up person and that explains why you have stopped . and i am mad . i am mad at myself . for not be able to reach up to your expectation , to not be able to become the person that you used to like . i just.... failed at that . and yeah... it hurts me alot . eventhough i try to deny it . im trying , infact im trying hard . i guess i have to move on right ? from you , from this feeling . i am sorry . i am sad , that i will never be enough for you . even though how hard i try , i will never be the girl you want . and you will always be the perfect guy . and i hate myself for that . i got it o...

i am sorry that i am too cold sometimes . but you know what , i am only seventeen . and so are you . there are so much more we will experience . you might like me at this point , but you will meet a lot of people . you will find someone else as time develops . it is not that i do not like you . to be honest , i do like you too . but i have to hold my heart tight and keep my aim straight so that i don't easily fall . my heart flutters sometimes when you stared at me and pays attention to me . its just that i cant tell how this is going . and i am scared most of the time because our hearts are easily change . and i am probably the most hurtful and hateful girl you will ever encounter . everytime i see you i just wanted to scream out loud a lot of why's questions . why do you like me ? why dont you tell me straight ? why cant you see the flaws in me ? why do you still want to play with this deadly game ? and i am afraid that one day , when i develop a feeling of liking and i sta...

i am definitely an introvert . so there's some facts about me that you probably should know . first and foremost , i am a loyal lover . kalau awak still ingat , masa kita together dulu , selalu saya yang terlampau sayang . saya yang selalu terlampau care pasal awak . yes , i loved you a little too much . saya terlampau sayangkan awak sampai satu tahap , awak tak hargai pun saya . you started to believe , even if you hurt me once or twice or even thrice , i would still take you back and apologize even its not my fault . i am so stupid . why ? because i loved you so much . that i am scared you might leave me just because of a silliest reason . i am an introvert so i have so little of people that i trust , that i can tell my problems to , that i can cry with . and you were one of those people . you know my secrets . and you were everything to me . but then , at one point , you decided to abandon me and leave me hanging , dont know what ive done . you broke me .and i am that kin...

i cried . i dont know why but this kind of thing-friendship is really a sensitive matter for me . i dont like it when i have a fight with my friends or if my friend is mad at me . i will be super sad and i feel like i wasn't good enough . i mean , why are you even mad at me ? where did i go wrong ? did i hurt you woth my bad words ? did i give you no food ? i didnt . but why are you ignoring me ? why are you doing this to me ? you treat me as if i have no feelings at all . i know i am a bad person ad that you are an angel compared to me but let me remind you that i am still a human afterall . i do have feelings  . so what makes you think you have the right to treat me less than a human ? i am sorry if i ever hurt you . why must you talk about me as if i am a devil . yes , i sin a lot . i admit that . but i, myself , do have an intention to be better . and the fact thet everybody backs you up and take on your side , really hurts me alot . i know i am still considered as a newcomer ...

one thing that i have learned in life is , never love too much . because a person is never guaranteed to stay forever in your life . forever just... never lasts forever . i always remind myself that i deserved to be happy even when others tell me the opposite . i can be happy even the world turns upside down because being happy is your own choice . you do not let other people make choice for you , you do it yourself . and i know that it is okay to be sad , but it is not okay when i am stuck in that same pain and not moving on . it is unhealthy and will turn my soul black . i learn to say no even if it kills my heart but i would do anything it takes just to make myself feel glad about myself . the way i look , the way my flaws are all over me , the way others talk back about me , i just... dont care anymore . i just want to live my life . even though i will ended up being alone and everyone turn their back against me , i will keep moving forward . someday , a person will come into ...

actually there's a lot of things i want to talk about . i feel like the burden inside me is kept in the deepest part of me and it just simply grows . i feel sad but i dont know how to express it out . i feel like the heartache is eating my soul . i am not sad because i am lonely , i am fine being alone . i am actually happy that i have finally moved on from him . him who has left a big impact to me . actually i have to thank you that you have taught me some lesson of life . thank you . i am no longer feel mad or angry at you . the anger and hatred has disappear already . i feel nothing , the special feelings are not there anymore when i saw you . not like that i have liked somebody else , but its just that i have realized that we are... not meant to be together . and i am completely fine with it . and i am happy for you when you have someone else . i hope you are doing fine and i hope you treat her with the love she deserves and always appreciate the littlest things . i hope ...

i miss writing . i miss the sound on my laptop's keyboard . i just miss the feelings when writing something that is truly from the deepest part of your heart . there's a lot of things that i want to write out . about friends , life , studies and... love . I am always that one friend who is heartless . you know what , i just do not care if i dont have friends or that my friends walk away from me . Its just... normal cycle of life for me . i will also walk away and move on and start all over again . i do not need friends to tell about my heartaches that seems to have no end . i can keep it all to myself . i can keep it . i am a lone ranger form the very beginning . i can live alone because i am an introvert . how about love ? well , the situation is same to having friends . i just do not care . i can live alone . and plus , boys are stupid . they are immature . i hate being in a relationship because all it ever did is just destroy me and gave me headache . i cant be with a pe...

i am that kind of friend whom once you hurt me , i will definitely walk away , just taking precautions i would say . i am so tired of getting hurt and betrayed that i cant bear it anymore . i am sorry but i am so fucking tired of saying sorry . i am cold-hearted , yes i admit that . i am too hurt . by him , by my bestfriend . yes , i have got used to it but still , the pain is still there to be honest . i feel so stupid putting other people's need before me . because they do not appreciate me and they left eventually . which is sad . once i love , i love with all my heart . i gave my everything when i got a bunch of lies in return . it is not fair but i still hoping that he will come back . he didn't of course . he acted like nothing happened which kills me inside . he found someone better . and ever since , i start to move on and i just dont care and i am cold and i dont give a fuck about him . i forgot about him completely . i have locked my heart and threw the keys far away ...

i used to have a crush on this guy who happens to be my neighbour . we used to play together all sort of fun games . he is 3 years older than me and a very gentleman . after finishing primary school , he went to a boarding school so we no longer see each other . when he came home for holidays , i used to go to his house and ask him to play with me but i guess , he was too shy to play with a little girl like me and he refused . after that , the gap between us grew even larger . i grew up too and we no longer spoke . and his family also moved to another country and i guess i wont be seeing him again . i liked him alot . its hard for me to move on because he is my childhood crush . but you know , eventually the feelings just simply fades away . and i moved on , i forgot all the things about him then after several years , he came back and acted like nothing happened . it hurts me alot . we talked alot through texts and facebook . i talked about how much i hate school and he would comfor...

Last month i went to KL for a short holiday . I stayed at my fav aunty's house located in Bangi . So she and her husband brought me around KL and for the first time ever i went to the famous ikea . My first impression was this will be boring but i was wrong hehe . The feelings are so overwhelming that i took pictures and running around like a little kid in a chocolate factory . I looked around the bedrooms and kitchens and the mini houses ( idk what they call it ) it makes me want to get married and settle down quickly and live in a cute little house and decorate it using ikea's stuffs because damn , they are all so cute yet so simple . I used to be in a brief relationship with this guy which happens to be my classmate (( ew i know )) . I have to admit that i have such a good relationship with him . He is such a sweet guy and he approaches me first and that left me without any other choice . We were together for about 6 months and then it all just feels..... somehow wrong . I...

After months of leaving i wonder how could you have the nerve to come back and act like nothing happened ? You look so stupid calling me sayang and thinking i would take you again in a heartbeat . In your dreams . I am no longer sad and waiting for you . Hell , i even have moved on from you . I dont want you anymore . The word sayang disgust me just because it came from you . I think you should totally stop thinking you can have me anytime you want and throw me away when youre done . That kind of mindset is sickening so please stop .

I have been living for 16 years already and it felt unbelievable and surreal at the same time when i realized that ive been through so many things already . I have been through so many happy moments that i never forgot and i feel like i want to live that exact moment again . Like one of those time where my family and i went to a family's day vacation and we had so much fun ? I miss that time alot . And those times when i was in MMP ? God , those were the best times ever . But life is not only about rainbows and butterflies isn't it ? I also have been through lots of heartbreaks,  ups and downs . And those moments , i chose to remember as well . Because heartbreaks make me stronger . I still remember clearly the time when i used to suffer with anxiety . But all praises to Allah , my anxiety didnt last long . By the end of last year , i stopped getting anxiety attacks . I used to feel terribly insecure about my flaws . I always felt like I was not good enough , that theres somet...

When the conversation gets shorter , i know i am no longer important . Yeah it hurts alot but you know what , im used to it . Since last year lagi . You dissed me . Im okay with that . But then you make other people diss me . Im totally not okay with that . How could you ? When you are all i got . Still , you hurt me in the meanest way . You ditched me like its nothing . I cried to sleep thinking what have i possibly done wrong . But to no avail . Yes , friendship has its ups and downs . But why should i stay when you hate my existence ? It hurts alot trying to ignore all these shits . But im not that strong . Please cakap depan depan kalau ada tak puas hati . Jangan jadi pengecut cakap belakang . You want me to stay away , then i'll do so . Its not that hard anymore when im holding to the nothing left . Cakap tak serupa bikin . Kalau betul you want me to stay , then kau pun make effort la . Kenapa aku sorang ? Because you are not for real . Thats why . Kalau dulu rasa dekat je , ...

Harini dapat tahu satu kebenaran . Yang bunyinya hampir sama dengan satu penipuan . Aku dapat tahu yang aku hanyalah sekadar mainan buat kau . Heh , i didnt expect anything like this . The truth is just too cruel to accept . The fact that you actually play with my feelings all this while , it stabs me right in the heart . I cant cry , i dont want to cry over someone as evil as you . You dont worth my tears . Im too numb . Im too dumb to realise . How stupid i am to fall for someone as sly as you . How stupid i am to fall into your trap and couldnt find my way out . I am stupid . Aku ni hanya sekadar mainan ke bagi kau ? Aku ni hanya sekadar tempat kau merangkak balik bila kau tak diperlukan ke ? Aku ni hanya sekadar tempat bila kau bosan ke ? Semua kata kata kau selama ni tipu ke ? Semua yang kau janji sumpah setia bodoh kau tu , hanya sekadar umpan untuk aku jatuh dalam perangkap kau ke ? Im hurt . Too hurt . I want to scream my heart out . I want to yell at you for breaking me apar...

Sooooo basically midterm exams are here already and im stressing out like crazy . Because i cant cope up with either chemistry or physics anymore . Both are so hard for me to understand !! Like , UGH CANT YOU BE ANY MORE HARDER ?! but yeah , schools are fine . But not the best . Its just fine . Well , probably because i cant tolerate with the craps people've been giving me lately . But yeah , who cares ? Well i dont . Three weeks of exams are just too exhausting . And i have to handle with bunch of homeworks that i barely got time to relax . I got dark circles already hhahahaha thats crazy . I am in need of vacation and luckily , mom already booked tickets for a vacation at Turki !!! Yay . We're leaving next week . Cant wait .

Yeah you can go running around labelling me all you want because i just dont give a damn anymore . To hell with your expectations and judgement . I dont live just to please you . Im tired of trying to fit in with people around by changing myself . Like , i dont have to be a different person just for the sake of fitting in . I dont have to . You and all your pathetic expectations can just go vanish into thin air . I dont care . Kisah apa aku ? Ha ? KISAH APA ? And please dont act like youve known me for years bcs thats just so freaking pathetic . I dont bother you so , stay the hell outta my life .

its somehow feels like i'm going in a circle . over and over again . about to love or not to love . about to accept or not to accept . about to stay or just leave . and im sick of it . im sick of trying to sort out all of this shitty confusing feelings . you're not there when i need you the most . and it has always been me who tried hard . each day , im trying harder . but each day , too , another piece of me dies . i'm confused . i am not sure weather to believe it or to just simply ignore it . because i've had enough of this shit . i've had enough of all these lies . and i am tired of giving myself false hopes . and all i ever wanted was to feel sure about all these things . but now , all i want is to just put a stop into this . i want to get away from you . even its hard . even it hurts but i dont care anymore . because i want to be happy again . i'm tired of being heartbroken all the time . and feeling unsure about this . its tiring . i want to walk...