PLAIN JANE

i am that kind of friend whom once you hurt me , i will definitely walk away , just taking precautions i would say . i am so tired of getting hurt and betrayed that i cant bear it anymore . i am sorry but i am so fucking tired of saying sorry . i am cold-hearted , yes i admit that . i am too hurt . by him , by my bestfriend . yes , i have got used to it but still , the pain is still there to be honest . i feel so stupid putting other people's need before me . because they do not appreciate me and they left eventually . which is sad . once i love , i love with all my heart . i gave my everything when i got a bunch of lies in return . it is not fair but i still hoping that he will come back . he didn't of course . he acted like nothing happened which kills me inside . he found someone better . and ever since , i start to move on and i just dont care and i am cold and i dont give a fuck about him . i forgot about him completely . i have locked my heart and threw the keys far away ...

i used to have a crush on this guy who happens to be my neighbour . we used to play together all sort of fun games . he is 3 years older than me and a very gentleman . after finishing primary school , he went to a boarding school so we no longer see each other . when he came home for holidays , i used to go to his house and ask him to play with me but i guess , he was too shy to play with a little girl like me and he refused . after that , the gap between us grew even larger . i grew up too and we no longer spoke . and his family also moved to another country and i guess i wont be seeing him again . i liked him alot . its hard for me to move on because he is my childhood crush . but you know , eventually the feelings just simply fades away . and i moved on , i forgot all the things about him then after several years , he came back and acted like nothing happened . it hurts me alot . we talked alot through texts and facebook . i talked about how much i hate school and he would comfor...

Last month i went to KL for a short holiday . I stayed at my fav aunty's house located in Bangi . So she and her husband brought me around KL and for the first time ever i went to the famous ikea . My first impression was this will be boring but i was wrong hehe . The feelings are so overwhelming that i took pictures and running around like a little kid in a chocolate factory . I looked around the bedrooms and kitchens and the mini houses ( idk what they call it ) it makes me want to get married and settle down quickly and live in a cute little house and decorate it using ikea's stuffs because damn , they are all so cute yet so simple . I used to be in a brief relationship with this guy which happens to be my classmate (( ew i know )) . I have to admit that i have such a good relationship with him . He is such a sweet guy and he approaches me first and that left me without any other choice . We were together for about 6 months and then it all just feels..... somehow wrong . I...

After months of leaving i wonder how could you have the nerve to come back and act like nothing happened ? You look so stupid calling me sayang and thinking i would take you again in a heartbeat . In your dreams . I am no longer sad and waiting for you . Hell , i even have moved on from you . I dont want you anymore . The word sayang disgust me just because it came from you . I think you should totally stop thinking you can have me anytime you want and throw me away when youre done . That kind of mindset is sickening so please stop .

I have been living for 16 years already and it felt unbelievable and surreal at the same time when i realized that ive been through so many things already . I have been through so many happy moments that i never forgot and i feel like i want to live that exact moment again . Like one of those time where my family and i went to a family's day vacation and we had so much fun ? I miss that time alot . And those times when i was in MMP ? God , those were the best times ever . But life is not only about rainbows and butterflies isn't it ? I also have been through lots of heartbreaks,  ups and downs . And those moments , i chose to remember as well . Because heartbreaks make me stronger . I still remember clearly the time when i used to suffer with anxiety . But all praises to Allah , my anxiety didnt last long . By the end of last year , i stopped getting anxiety attacks . I used to feel terribly insecure about my flaws . I always felt like I was not good enough , that theres somet...

When the conversation gets shorter , i know i am no longer important . Yeah it hurts alot but you know what , im used to it . Since last year lagi . You dissed me . Im okay with that . But then you make other people diss me . Im totally not okay with that . How could you ? When you are all i got . Still , you hurt me in the meanest way . You ditched me like its nothing . I cried to sleep thinking what have i possibly done wrong . But to no avail . Yes , friendship has its ups and downs . But why should i stay when you hate my existence ? It hurts alot trying to ignore all these shits . But im not that strong . Please cakap depan depan kalau ada tak puas hati . Jangan jadi pengecut cakap belakang . You want me to stay away , then i'll do so . Its not that hard anymore when im holding to the nothing left . Cakap tak serupa bikin . Kalau betul you want me to stay , then kau pun make effort la . Kenapa aku sorang ? Because you are not for real . Thats why . Kalau dulu rasa dekat je , ...

Harini dapat tahu satu kebenaran . Yang bunyinya hampir sama dengan satu penipuan . Aku dapat tahu yang aku hanyalah sekadar mainan buat kau . Heh , i didnt expect anything like this . The truth is just too cruel to accept . The fact that you actually play with my feelings all this while , it stabs me right in the heart . I cant cry , i dont want to cry over someone as evil as you . You dont worth my tears . Im too numb . Im too dumb to realise . How stupid i am to fall for someone as sly as you . How stupid i am to fall into your trap and couldnt find my way out . I am stupid . Aku ni hanya sekadar mainan ke bagi kau ? Aku ni hanya sekadar tempat kau merangkak balik bila kau tak diperlukan ke ? Aku ni hanya sekadar tempat bila kau bosan ke ? Semua kata kata kau selama ni tipu ke ? Semua yang kau janji sumpah setia bodoh kau tu , hanya sekadar umpan untuk aku jatuh dalam perangkap kau ke ? Im hurt . Too hurt . I want to scream my heart out . I want to yell at you for breaking me apar...