PLAIN JANE

because i'm fragile . most of the time , i'm heartbroken over the shittiest things . because i'm that confusing . because i'm uncapable of trusting myself . because i'm horribly honest that sometimes i hurt people around me . because i hate school and everybody except for my family and friends . i don't show my love in public . i love them quietly but i let them acknowledge it . because sometimes i feel lonely eventhough i'm in a crowd of talking people . and the worst part of it , my diffidence are getting worser than ever . i literally shaking and trembling when i'm in the crowd . i hate being around guys that stare . because i' m afraid of what they'll see . my flaws , my scars and my pathetic true self . well , today i went to the library with some of my friends . just like my usual saturday routine . i always go the library to study because i wont when im at home . well , there are uncountable distractions in my house even the plain pink w...

one day , im gonna be a grown up . i will be fully mature . and i want to be ready . but sometimes life's not fair . without realizing , you are already in the next phase of life . you are already 18 or 20 . but then i realized , life isnt about fair . its about who's at the top . in a family or in a government . its about hierarki . and it scares me . some days when i finished my spm , i want to experience being a part time worker . i would love to work at a coffee shop or at a library . bcs those are my favourite things . yes , books and coffee . there are a vast amount of things that i would like to learn and experience . but there is a thing that we called as limit . by all means ; death . you don't know when you will die . time flies by and you already one step ahead towards the end . appreciate everything around . you may take certain things for granted without realizing . as for me , i would stop hurting people and pray more . i would cry an ocean and ask for His ...

memang lah , bila dah biasa berjauhan memang kita takkan kisah dengan hadirnya seseorang tuh . pedulikan hubungan tahap darah daging , itu realiti . tak boleh semua nak salah kan mereka . sebab itu lumrah . terasa hati aku lama lama makin beku . thats a thing about me ; hati cepat beku . biar sebelum tu hati dah cair secairnya . tapi bila datang fikiran negatif , terus beku lol . aku , senang cair , senang beku . buat awak yang mencairkan hati ni waktu dua hari lepas , jangan risau . saya dah beku balik . maaf sebab perasaan bodoh tu hadir . saya tak daya nak halau . maaf sebab cair haha . jangan buat saya cair lagi . jangan bagi harapan . jangan tenung mata saya dalam dalam untuk cari dia dalam diri saya . kami mungkin sama tapi kami tak serupa . dia , dia . saya , saya . tolong jangan keliru . saya tak mahu hanya sekadar pengganti atas sebab sama . kami lain .

dah lama sangat tinggal blog . buka ni pun sebab beban sakit dalam hati dah tak tertanggung . kenapa semua cerita luka kena datang balik ? i wonder . entah lah . i , myself don't even know what to feel anymore . semua rasa tak kena . rasa kesian dan marah all in one . i can't anymore . i tried to back off and stay away but the urge to be with them is unbearable . and the pain , too , is unbearable when i got those evil whispers saying that they don't even want me . but i want to be with them . at the same time i don't want to hurt them either . serba salah , yes . little did i know , kadang dalam kelas tengah study pun , aku rasa nak lari laju laju pergi toilet sebab aku tahu , aku rasa , air mata dah tak tertanggung nak jatuh . i'm not that strong to ignore the pain . the feels , when i love them and i am not be able to be with  them , man , the tears are falling down already . i can't . i don't know anymore . maybe all of these bullshits are just a beginn...

i want to be rainbow that gives colour . i want to be sunshine that shine the world . but instead , i am just a storm . that thunders , and gives shiver . sometimes you can't hear the thunder . but you can hear the echoes .

jangan jadi bodoh . jangan peduli aku  . jangan hirau perasaan aku . rasa hebat ? tak perlu kononnya nak jadi kawan bagai . kau dah cukup hancurkan aku . tak rasa malu ? lukakan aku , datang balik . kau tak ingat  semua orang tikam belakang aku sebab kau ? kawan baik aku sendiri tipu aku sebab kau . tak ingat ? dulu kau buat tak kesah perasaan aku . kau mengaku suka dia depan aku . tak pernah fikir apa aku rasa . tak pernah ambil tahu , tak pernah nak tahu . bila semua orang kecoh , baru kau sibuk telefon aku tanya . kau rasa aku rasa apa ? aku rasa tertipu . aku rasa sakit . aku menangis sepanjang malam sebab kau . kau ingat alasan apa kau bagi ? kau cakap kau dah puas kejar aku . tapi kau tak tahu apa yang aku tahu . aku tahu yang kau suka dia sejak umur kau 10 tahun . aku tahu kau tak ada perasaan pada aku . dan tahu apa paling sakit ? aku tahu kau sedar aku suka kau . tapi kau tak peduli . kau cakap aku ni buang masa kau . itu paling sakit . aku saksi semua benda . ...

 kalau perasaan marah datang , aku tak tunjuk dengan jeritan macam selalu . aku diam tak bercakap . aku tak bercampur . sebab apa ? sebab aku malas . malas nak sibuk dengan orang yang tak hirau hadirnya aku . buat sakit , buang masa . biar mereka , biar aku . tak lama marah aku . cuma kalau terasa , lama sikit nak pulih sebab aku selalu flashback . payahnya tafsiran perasaan . sebab tu dia fragile . jahat-jahat aku , masih ada sudi buat kawan . Alhamdulillah . aku selalu ingatkan diri , bukan kau sorang ada perasaan , orang lain ada jugak . jangan fikir kau je , fikir orang lain jugak . kadang sebelum tidur , aku duduk dalam gelap dan menangis . menangis dan terus menangis . pedulikan masa yang makin menginjak . makin banyak air mata jatuh , makin kuat diri . bila bangun pagi esok , aku tuam mata dengan ais supaya bengkak surut . aku bukan nyctophilia . aku tak suka kegelapan . aku rasa kegelapan telan diri aku . aku rasa kecil tanpa cahaya . aku tak tahu nak gapai apa . aku lost ...