PLAIN JANE

you stopped eventually . and i am not prepared . i thought you will like me forever . but haha lol at me , forever just does not last forever right ? i totally forgot . there's no forever in real life . i like you . i was about to tell you that i like you too . that i want you too . that i would love to go further . but i guess , its true that people gets tired of sad person . i am a sad , messed up person and that explains why you have stopped . and i am mad . i am mad at myself . for not be able to reach up to your expectation , to not be able to become the person that you used to like . i just.... failed at that . and yeah... it hurts me alot . eventhough i try to deny it . im trying , infact im trying hard . i guess i have to move on right ? from you , from this feeling . i am sorry . i am sad , that i will never be enough for you . even though how hard i try , i will never be the girl you want . and you will always be the perfect guy . and i hate myself for that . i got it o...

i am sorry that i am too cold sometimes . but you know what , i am only seventeen . and so are you . there are so much more we will experience . you might like me at this point , but you will meet a lot of people . you will find someone else as time develops . it is not that i do not like you . to be honest , i do like you too . but i have to hold my heart tight and keep my aim straight so that i don't easily fall . my heart flutters sometimes when you stared at me and pays attention to me . its just that i cant tell how this is going . and i am scared most of the time because our hearts are easily change . and i am probably the most hurtful and hateful girl you will ever encounter . everytime i see you i just wanted to scream out loud a lot of why's questions . why do you like me ? why dont you tell me straight ? why cant you see the flaws in me ? why do you still want to play with this deadly game ? and i am afraid that one day , when i develop a feeling of liking and i sta...

i am definitely an introvert . so there's some facts about me that you probably should know . first and foremost , i am a loyal lover . kalau awak still ingat , masa kita together dulu , selalu saya yang terlampau sayang . saya yang selalu terlampau care pasal awak . yes , i loved you a little too much . saya terlampau sayangkan awak sampai satu tahap , awak tak hargai pun saya . you started to believe , even if you hurt me once or twice or even thrice , i would still take you back and apologize even its not my fault . i am so stupid . why ? because i loved you so much . that i am scared you might leave me just because of a silliest reason . i am an introvert so i have so little of people that i trust , that i can tell my problems to , that i can cry with . and you were one of those people . you know my secrets . and you were everything to me . but then , at one point , you decided to abandon me and leave me hanging , dont know what ive done . you broke me .and i am that kin...

i cried . i dont know why but this kind of thing-friendship is really a sensitive matter for me . i dont like it when i have a fight with my friends or if my friend is mad at me . i will be super sad and i feel like i wasn't good enough . i mean , why are you even mad at me ? where did i go wrong ? did i hurt you woth my bad words ? did i give you no food ? i didnt . but why are you ignoring me ? why are you doing this to me ? you treat me as if i have no feelings at all . i know i am a bad person ad that you are an angel compared to me but let me remind you that i am still a human afterall . i do have feelings  . so what makes you think you have the right to treat me less than a human ? i am sorry if i ever hurt you . why must you talk about me as if i am a devil . yes , i sin a lot . i admit that . but i, myself , do have an intention to be better . and the fact thet everybody backs you up and take on your side , really hurts me alot . i know i am still considered as a newcomer ...

one thing that i have learned in life is , never love too much . because a person is never guaranteed to stay forever in your life . forever just... never lasts forever . i always remind myself that i deserved to be happy even when others tell me the opposite . i can be happy even the world turns upside down because being happy is your own choice . you do not let other people make choice for you , you do it yourself . and i know that it is okay to be sad , but it is not okay when i am stuck in that same pain and not moving on . it is unhealthy and will turn my soul black . i learn to say no even if it kills my heart but i would do anything it takes just to make myself feel glad about myself . the way i look , the way my flaws are all over me , the way others talk back about me , i just... dont care anymore . i just want to live my life . even though i will ended up being alone and everyone turn their back against me , i will keep moving forward . someday , a person will come into ...

actually there's a lot of things i want to talk about . i feel like the burden inside me is kept in the deepest part of me and it just simply grows . i feel sad but i dont know how to express it out . i feel like the heartache is eating my soul . i am not sad because i am lonely , i am fine being alone . i am actually happy that i have finally moved on from him . him who has left a big impact to me . actually i have to thank you that you have taught me some lesson of life . thank you . i am no longer feel mad or angry at you . the anger and hatred has disappear already . i feel nothing , the special feelings are not there anymore when i saw you . not like that i have liked somebody else , but its just that i have realized that we are... not meant to be together . and i am completely fine with it . and i am happy for you when you have someone else . i hope you are doing fine and i hope you treat her with the love she deserves and always appreciate the littlest things . i hope ...

i miss writing . i miss the sound on my laptop's keyboard . i just miss the feelings when writing something that is truly from the deepest part of your heart . there's a lot of things that i want to write out . about friends , life , studies and... love . I am always that one friend who is heartless . you know what , i just do not care if i dont have friends or that my friends walk away from me . Its just... normal cycle of life for me . i will also walk away and move on and start all over again . i do not need friends to tell about my heartaches that seems to have no end . i can keep it all to myself . i can keep it . i am a lone ranger form the very beginning . i can live alone because i am an introvert . how about love ? well , the situation is same to having friends . i just do not care . i can live alone . and plus , boys are stupid . they are immature . i hate being in a relationship because all it ever did is just destroy me and gave me headache . i cant be with a pe...