PLAIN JANE

its somehow feels like i'm going in a circle . over and over again . about to love or not to love . about to accept or not to accept . about to stay or just leave . and im sick of it . im sick of trying to sort out all of this shitty confusing feelings . you're not there when i need you the most . and it has always been me who tried hard . each day , im trying harder . but each day , too , another piece of me dies . i'm confused . i am not sure weather to believe it or to just simply ignore it . because i've had enough of this shit . i've had enough of all these lies . and i am tired of giving myself false hopes . and all i ever wanted was to feel sure about all these things . but now , all i want is to just put a stop into this . i want to get away from you . even its hard . even it hurts but i dont care anymore . because i want to be happy again . i'm tired of being heartbroken all the time . and feeling unsure about this . its tiring . i want to walk...

So it has been a hectic week for me . Ive got my up1 exams and yes , its killing me . I mean , i was never an ambitious person before . I am more to "ah fuck it " person . I wont be staying up late just to study . I mean , come on ! Sleeping is important too .((but its not neccesary when it was a 8 hours long sleep)) . Lol . But i managed to stay up until 1 am just for the sake of addmaths . Muahahaha impressive huh?  Maybe not . But for me , it was . Im acting all nerdy lately . So far , addmaths and chemistry paper wasnt that bad . But bio was . I just hoped that physics paper tomorow isnt going to be mind blowing . I cant tolerate physics and pqs paper in a same day but yeah , DEAL WITH IT GURL !!

Alhamdulillah dah 16 aku hidup . Dan birthday tahun ni yang paling emosi . First, sebab tanpa bestfriends . Dan second , mungkin pandangan aku terhadap ulang tahun kelahiran ni dah berubah . Ye lah , dah besar kan . Takkan lah kau nak harap benda sama je . So , last night ive cried alot while on the phone with mai and roy . I was like literally crying sepanjang on the phone tu hahahaha . And tahun ni punya birthday , alhamdulillah yang terbaik pernah aku ada . Dengan suprise from classmates omg i am so touched . Meh nak cite Hari selasa tu masa sebelum rehat masa bio . Pastu lima minit nak rehat tetiba solihin mintak nak ke toilet . Aku tak syak pape pun sebab ye lah , kau nak qada hajat apa yang peliknya kan ? Tapi yang aku pelik kenapa dia kena pergi berdua dengan isyraf macam ko ni gay ke apa ? Pastu aku dengar je lah mualimah husna explain pasal hipertonik apa sume . Pastu tetiba solihin ngan isyraf masuk bawak kek and dorang semua nyanyi happy birthday . Aku cam hah ?!?!?! Terke...

Hi hi and hi . Alhamdulillah dah sebulan kat smi . For those yang tak tahu , im currently studying in science stream ((which is sadly not my first option)) . And so far , everything is still under control . As you all know , science stream memang banyak subject killer . Addmaths , chemistry and biology . Oh yeah , and physics . Alhamdulillah , so far aku tak rasa terbeban lagi . Stress tu normal la kan . And to be honest , i love addmaths . Sebab dia mencabar and need me to focus all the time . And yeah , setakat ni im the teacher's fave student . Memang classmates semua dah sedia maklum , bila class addmaths automatically i will frown . Hahahaha tu tandanya i am seriously focusing . But biology memang kena rajin baca buku . And i dont take any extra classes sebab prinsip aku , tak perlu tuisyen asal kau fokus . So ill try to pay full attention in any classes . Seumur hidup aku memang tak pernah tuisyen . Because of my anxiety probs also hahaha . Tapi selagi aku boleh bertahan , ...

Today is ihsan's last day at smi aman . He is one of my classmates and yang paling baik . So we decided to throw a farewell party for him . Atg being the responsible class monitor himself , ordered two boxes of pizza . Alya and solihin brought lasagna and some other foods . Ihsan didnt know about the party . Masa class sejarah pizza sampai . So atg and harith turun pergi ambil . Masuk class dengan dua kotak pizza buat muka selamba cam hape . And we just kept going with the class . Pastu mualimah nadia paksa ihsan bagi ucapan apa sume . He didnt want to at the first place . Pastu kena bash and paksa ngan isyraf , baru lah dia ke depan bagi ucapan . Tu pun kena ada isyraf teman hahahaha so cute ihsan . He thanked all of us and said he's sorry for everything he did . We all just kept silent masa tu . Pastu masa dia nak masuk tempat dia balik , solihin tanya ; "Ihsan , kau tak rasa sedih ke nak tinggal kami ?" And memang masa tu ihsan cam sentap and we all kept quiet ...

This is another note to myself 1. If you feel like catching any feelings , stop right there 2. Study hard and pay attention in classes 3. Please overcome your fear 4. Yeah , anxiety sucks 5. Peduli apa orang kata ?  Yang hidup tu kau , bukan diorang 6. Hubungan dengan pencipta , plis jaga 7. Kau , kau . Dia  , dia . 8. Keep smiling 9. Trust me , personality is far more important that looks . 10. Remember , someones out there is caring for you and needs you too keep living

Pindah sekolah ; a thing that never cross my mind before . Tak pernah bayang , tak rasa akan mengalamai pengalaman tu . But yeah , this year i moved into a new school which i prefer not to mention the name here . But one thing for sure , its not as bad as i thought . I can be a new person . But of course the night before ive cried until my head hurts and im feeling nausea . I cried because im afraid if i nobody wants to be friend with me , which is such a childlike thought of mine lol . Alhamdulillah everything went well . All of my classmates are kind to me including the boys . And the programs for the soul are good too compared to my old school . Told you , it was hard for me to decide but alhamdulillah , i asked Allah to guide me thru every path that i took . Hmmmm what else ? Well , there are only 15 students in my class which is very few . And i kinda like it bcs the bond between us is just getting stronger day by day . And today abbas suggested that we buy a water heater so tha...