08052014

little did i know , people tend to get bored with me easily . not to mention i also can make them hate me . as i said for the zillions time , i am a hateful person . i don't really care about others . sometimes i wonder why i am so fond of hurting peoples . i mean , i hurt them n purpose . i want to seem them flinch because of my words . i am curious about will they hurt . i am terrible to be honest . but it's not that i don't want to be better. i do , seriously . i am always trying . i usually overcome my terrible manners by telling myself , " this is sin " and to my suprise , it works somehow . when i ask my friends , they told me , i am a bad person . my words always hurt them. and they don't really care anymore . well , maybe because they're used to it . i think so .
to be honest , i did some research on myself , on me being hateful . lol . i found out that i am depressed .


whut ?!?!?

yeah . i am loud but i can change my self into a quite person immediately . no joke . i can be moody towards my friends with no possible reason . it just happens like that . once , i caught one of my friends staring at me with pure hatred in her eyes . man , i wasn't really shocked because it's not really her fault . it's mine . my manners are horrifying . lol . i never told this to anyone but , i used to wake up from my sleeps at the middle of the night and start to cry . badly . man , isn't weird ? yeah . i couldn't really help myself . i'm tired of me being terrible . i want to be kind , and i miss my old personality . man , my tears are coming out while writing this . i try so much to improve myself but i snap off easily . i don't know anymore . most of the times , i am hella scared if i die , my friends are relieved because the person who always hurt them is gone . fuck . i am not vulnerable kind of person . it feels like the chasm between me and my friends are getting bigger day by day . i can't tell them my problems anymore . it felt awkward for some reason . i seriously don't know . 
friends are invaluable , i admit . i'll try harder .

1602 hours .